Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Barbie gone wild
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.