I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
For the baby who has everything
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*