Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
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Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste