Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
when you don’t want to be too vague
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.