I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.