I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.