[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?