*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?