Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.