Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.