[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes