check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.