[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
was Jim off killing horses or…
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold