*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“What?”
– Jude
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.