Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
You Might Also Like
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.