If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Europe. Made in Germany.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.