Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Don’t snitch tag.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.