*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs