And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”