I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
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no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Sharon I have some bad news
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
getting corrected
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.