it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Breaking news:
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.