911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!