Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.