Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”