Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?