a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.