*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break