I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars