My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
How to find Kentucky on a map
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I think we should hear other voices.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?