Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me 2 months after i graduated
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]