Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.