He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.