ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Flowers bee like
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Jail
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
my one true gender
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.