Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.