Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
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This kid will have a bright future.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.