I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?