Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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