Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Worth remembering.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife