It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.