The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I’m Sold!
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Mouse
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.