Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
79.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.