Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES