Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*