I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.