a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.