What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
You Might Also Like
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
She puts the hot in psychotic
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Thursday
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
😩😩😩
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.