As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.