Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
6: are snakes just neck?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out