Siri: Retweet me.
You Might Also Like
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.