My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
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Get in loser we’re going crying
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”